Humanity: Stupidity incarnate.

Smut And Sin, Just Don’t Show Skin
GAS STATION | BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA | RELIGION, RUDE & RISQUE, TOP
(We sell a variety of different magazines. The very back row is where the smut magazines are kept. Note that I’m a 16-year-old girl and very uninterested in that sort of thing.)

Customer: “Do you know if you only sell Playboy magazines, or do you sell Playgirl magazines as well?”

Me: “I have no idea, ma’am. I don’t, uh, pay much attention to the back row.”

Customer: “Why? Do scantily clad girls offend you and your religion?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m actually not really religious. I’m just not into that sort of thing.”

Customer: “What do you mean you’re not religious? Don’t you know that Jesus died on the cross for your sins?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t want to get into a debate about religion. I just want to help you find what you’re looking for–”

Customer: “You’re a sinner! You sin and sell smut magazines!”

Me: *confused* “Ma’am, weren’t you looking for Playgirl magazines?”

(The customer turns beet red, storms out of the store, hops into her car, and drives away.)

A Serious Case Of Insensitivity, Part 2
BAR | LONDON, ENGLAND, UK |
(New Year’s Eve is in full swing. Shortly before the midnight countdown, a coworker of mine drops down dead beside me from a brain aneurysm. We went into shock and obviously tried to help her. The customer that she was serving starts complaining about the quality of service.)

Customer: “Leave her, it’s almost midnight! I need my glass of wine to celebrate!”

Me: “Sir, we believe she may be dead. Please have a bit of compassion. The bar will be closing now while we wait for emergency services.”

Customer: “Forget that! We want to celebrate. Get me my drink now and take her body out back or something!”

Me: “Security! Throw this man out and clear the bar.”

Customer: “I will get both her and you fired for this!”

Inexcretable Behavior
HOTEL | UK | RUDE & RISQUE
Receptionist: “Hello, [hotel]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know if I’m still barred.”

Receptionist: “I can check that for you. Can I take your name, please?”

Caller: *gives name*

Receptionist: “Okay, I’ll just check for you. Out of interest, can I ask why you were barred?”

Caller: “Aye. I took a sh** in a pint glass.”

Receptionist: “Yeah, I’d say you’re still barred.”

It Must Have Been A New Moon
BOOKSTORE | MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA |
(This particular customer is a semi-regular who tends to loiter around the new age and paranormal sections. She has knee-length flowing blonde hair and is fond of hippyish clothing. Tonight, I notice her staring at me from a distance for a few minutes with a subtle, knowing smile.)

Me: “Hello, how are you today? Would you like any help?”

Customer: “Good, quite good. I don’t need any help, but can I just talk to you for a minute?”

Me: “Sure. What would you like to talk about?”

Customer: “You. I just have some questions about you. You work here quite a lot, don’t you? At night. I see you every night I come in.”

Me: “Yes, I do tend to work here Thursday and Friday nights.”

Customer: “I notice cause you’re so pretty. Such long dark hair and pale skin.”

Me: “Umm, thanks.”

Customer: “What’s your name?”

Me: “It’s [my name].”

Customer: “That’s a lovely name. A very old fashioned name. You don’t really hear it anymore.”

(By this point, I’m getting confused as I didn’t think my name was that uncommon. I’m not sure what point she’s trying to make.)

Customer: “What else do you do, other than working here?”

Me: “I’m in my fourth year of uni. My major is Science, but I do some electives in Literature and History.”

Customer: *smiles* “Ahhh. So you’re quite educated, as well.”

Me: “I guess you could say that.”

Customer: “Well, I had better not waste any more of your time. But I just want to tell you that I understand now, and I won’t tell anyone.”

Me: “Ah, ok. About what?”

Customer: “Your secret. That you are one of them. A vampire.”

(The customer leaves while I just stand there confused.)

Coworker: “What’s up?”

Me: “I ****ing hate Twilight…”